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(Sound of a record scratch)
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Are you constantly checking for duplicate IP addresses in your online forums? Do you find yourself muttering "That's definitely his alt account" when a stranger agrees with someone you're arguing with? Do you suspect your neighbor’s cat is a well-funded disinformation bot?
You might be suffering from Sock-Puppet-Paranoia, or SPP.
It’s an epidemic sweeping the internet, leaving a trail of exhausted keyboard warriors and empty coffee mugs in its wake.
The Symptoms:
- Excessive Use of the Phrase "Nice Try, [insert name here]": Even when addressing a complete stranger.
- The "Shadow Council" Delusion: A firm belief that all dissenting opinions are coordinated by a single, malicious mastermind using an army of fake accounts.
- Insomnia: Waking up at 3 a.m. to check if someone's posting habits from 2009 match a new user's. (Hint: They don't. Go to bed.)
The Dangers of SPP:
- The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: By treating everyone like a sock puppet, you start to believe your own hype, isolating yourself from genuine debate and different viewpoints.
- Anxiety and Stress: Your online life becomes a constant game of "whack-a-mole," but all the moles look like the same mole.
- It Turns You Into the Thing You Hate: You start to sound like a conspiracy theorist, which is, ironically, the easiest way to get written off as a crazy person—a fate worse than a troll.
The Cure?
Just like the common cold, there is no cure for SPP. But you can manage the symptoms.
- Step 1: Breathe.
- Step 2: Assume everyone is an individual unless proven otherwise. (This is harder than it sounds.)
- Step 3: Remind yourself that a person’s online behavior is not a reflection of your worth.
- Step 4: If all else fails, log off and do something with your hands, like petting a real dog or building something out of LEGOs. Anything to prove to yourself that not everything is a conspiracy.
This public service announcement was brought to you by the Foundation for the Sanity of the Internet, and by people who are tired of being called sock puppets.
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Written using Google/Gemini.
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