A Guide for the Chronically Online (and Slightly Masochistic)
-- (Now With Management's Input!)
Disclaimer: This post is for satirical purposes only. We strongly advise against feeding trolls. Seriously. Just… don’t.
-- "The Management" (you know, them) also strongly advises against feeding trolls. They've posted/DM'd, multiple times about this, which you probably haven't read.
Chapter 1: Troll Taxonomy - Identifying Your Prey
-- (And Management's Potential Ban Targets)
The Anti-{insert whatever the topic is) Troll: You know the type, The forum's focus is on a sports team, and they have nothing good to say about them.
-- Management notes: "Hey, it's a free country, so they aren't fans... Just ignore them... We will."
The Classic Flame Troll: Prone to inflammatory statements and enjoys the taste of your righteous indignation. Easily identified by their overuse of ALL CAPS and questionable grammar.
-- Management notes: "High probability of self-combustion, leading to a glorious, ban-worthy meltdown. Please observe from a safe distance."
The Pedantic Troll: Obsessed with correcting your spelling and grammar, even when you’re right. Their natural habitat is comment sections beneath articles about quantum physics.
-- Management notes: "These trolls are technically 'within guidelines,' but their sheer annoyance factor may warrant a 'temporary content moderation vacation' if they push the limits."
The "Just Asking Questions" Troll: Disguised as an innocent inquirer, they subtly introduce conspiracy theories and thinly veiled insults. Look for excessive use of question marks and a general air of smugness.
-- Management notes: "Requires careful monitoring. Document all instances of veiled conspiracy theories. A sufficiently elaborate web of misinformation may trigger a 'community standards review.'"
The "Actually,..." Troll: This troll enjoys contradicting you over the smallest of details. For example, "Actually, the sky is more of a cerulean blue than a true azure."
-- Management notes: "Management considers this behavior 'mildly irritating' and not grounds for intervention. Please suffer in silence until they find a new victim."
Chapter 2: The Art of Feeding - A Culinary Guide to Troll Bait
-- (And Management's Silent Judgement)
The Basic Response: A simple, enraged reply. "You're wrong!" This is the equivalent of throwing a raw steak at a ravenous beast. It's effective, but messy.
-- Management notes: "This is a violation of rule 34b, ‘Do not engage the wildlife’. However, we are too busy to do anything about it. Please cease and desist."
The Elaborate Counter-Argument: Construct a meticulously researched, multi-paragraph response. This is like preparing a gourmet meal for a garbage disposal. They'll appreciate the effort, but only to shred it to pieces.
-- Management notes: "While we appreciate the effort, this is a waste of company bandwidth. Please use your time more productively, like filing TPS reports."
The Emotional Appeal: Share your deepest vulnerabilities and heartfelt opinions. This is like offering a delicate soufflé to a hungry bear. Prepare for maximum destruction.
-- Management notes: "Management is not a therapist. Please direct your emotional needs elsewhere. Preferably, outside of this digital space."
The "Let Me Google That For You" Approach: Provide links and sources that directly contradict their claims. This is like serving them a plate of vegetables. They'll ignore it and demand cake (i.e. more outrage).
-- Management notes: "Management has observed that this approach often escalates the situation. Please refrain from using logic and facts, as they are known to irritate trolls."
Chapter 3: The Evolutionary Cycle - From Troll to Chew Toy
-- (And Management's Inevitable Resignation)
Phase 1: The Initial Nibble: You respond. The troll is energized. They've tasted the sweet nectar of your attention.
-- Management notes: "We've noticed an uptick in engagement... Please remember that engagement is not always a positive metric."
Phase 2: The Feeding Frenzy. You engage in a full-blown argument. The troll is now a fully operational chaos machine.
-- Management notes: "This thread has been flagged for 'excessive negativity.' Please remember that 'community harmony' is a core value, or whatever."
Phase 3: The Chew Toy Status: You’ve crossed the line. The troll is no longer a troll. It is now your personal, digital chew toy. They will now only respond to you, and your every word will be a source of entertainment. You are now the source of their dopamine. Congratulation, you played yourself.
-- Management notes: "Congratulations. You have created a dependent. Management is aware of the situation and will, as per usual, do nothing. We are hoping that either you or the troll will get bored and leave. Or, that the troll will do something so spectacularly awful that it will justify a ban. We are betting on the later."
Chapter 4: When to Say "Uncle" (or "Aunt, or Non-Binary Relative")
-- (And When Management Might Actually Notice)
When you start composing responses in your sleep.
When you find yourself arguing with a toaster.
When you realize you've spent more time arguing with a troll than talking to your loved ones.
When your blood pressure exceeds the national debt.
When the troll starts sending you unsolicited cat pictures.
-- (Management might consider this “off topic” and issue a warning)
When the troll starts to write a post about you.
-- (Management if they see it will consider this a "call out", and nuke it from high orbit.)
-- Management notes: "Please refer to the company's 'Emotional Distress Protocol,' which involves deep breathing exercises and ignoring the problem. We are not responsible for any personal distress caused by trolls."
Conclusion:
Remember, feeding trolls is a dangerous game, especially when "The Management" is silently judging your every move. They prefer you ignore them, hoping they'll either wander off or implode in a glorious, ban-worthy spectacle. Your entertainment is not their priority, the illusion of a peaceful digital space is. So, proceed with extreme caution, or preferably, just log off and touch some grass. While "The Management" watches, and does nothing.
=== Crafted with the digital wit, and assistance, of a silicon scribe. -- Gemini
Excellent post! Still, I think perhaps you missed a certain type that has inhabited CT off and on for years. These are the trolls who constantly seek attention. They really just want to make sure they have at least one, and preferably two or three threads on the front page. They will bump their threads or start a new variant just to make sure they get attention. There was one on here years ago called the Captain. We now have one who has multiple sock accounts, some of which were named after racists, etc...
I have always thought the way for the mods to control this sort of troll is to simply limit the number of threads an account can start a day. I think the great majority of us would be happy with a limit of one or two threads. Most of us simply reply to other threads. Or perhaps you can search for the accounts which start 3 or 4 threads a day and limit them to one per day in some sort of probationary period. I know, don't feed the trolls, but it does get tiring seeing the same account start multiple threads a day....
ddierker wrote: ↑27 Mar 2025 19:17 pmA Guide for the Chronically Online (and Slightly Masochistic)
-- (Now With Management's Input!)
Disclaimer: This post is for satirical purposes only. We strongly advise against feeding trolls. Seriously. Just… don’t.
-- "The Management" (you know, them) also strongly advises against feeding trolls. They've posted/DM'd, multiple times about this, which you probably haven't read.
Chapter 1: Troll Taxonomy - Identifying Your Prey
-- (And Management's Potential Ban Targets)
The Anti-{insert whatever the topic is) Troll: You know the type, The forum's focus is on a sports team, and they have nothing good to say about them.
-- Management notes: "Hey, it's a free country, so they aren't fans... Just ignore them... We will."
The Classic Flame Troll: Prone to inflammatory statements and enjoys the taste of your righteous indignation. Easily identified by their overuse of ALL CAPS and questionable grammar.
-- Management notes: "High probability of self-combustion, leading to a glorious, ban-worthy meltdown. Please observe from a safe distance."
The Pedantic Troll: Obsessed with correcting your spelling and grammar, even when you’re right. Their natural habitat is comment sections beneath articles about quantum physics.
-- Management notes: "These trolls are technically 'within guidelines,' but their sheer annoyance factor may warrant a 'temporary content moderation vacation' if they push the limits."
The "Just Asking Questions" Troll: Disguised as an innocent inquirer, they subtly introduce conspiracy theories and thinly veiled insults. Look for excessive use of question marks and a general air of smugness.
-- Management notes: "Requires careful monitoring. Document all instances of veiled conspiracy theories. A sufficiently elaborate web of misinformation may trigger a 'community standards review.'"
The "Actually,..." Troll: This troll enjoys contradicting you over the smallest of details. For example, "Actually, the sky is more of a cerulean blue than a true azure."
-- Management notes: "Management considers this behavior 'mildly irritating' and not grounds for intervention. Please suffer in silence until they find a new victim."
Chapter 2: The Art of Feeding - A Culinary Guide to Troll Bait
-- (And Management's Silent Judgement)
The Basic Response: A simple, enraged reply. "You're wrong!" This is the equivalent of throwing a raw steak at a ravenous beast. It's effective, but messy.
-- Management notes: "This is a violation of rule 34b, ‘Do not engage the wildlife’. However, we are too busy to do anything about it. Please cease and desist."
The Elaborate Counter-Argument: Construct a meticulously researched, multi-paragraph response. This is like preparing a gourmet meal for a garbage disposal. They'll appreciate the effort, but only to shred it to pieces.
-- Management notes: "While we appreciate the effort, this is a waste of company bandwidth. Please use your time more productively, like filing TPS reports."
The Emotional Appeal: Share your deepest vulnerabilities and heartfelt opinions. This is like offering a delicate soufflé to a hungry bear. Prepare for maximum destruction.
-- Management notes: "Management is not a therapist. Please direct your emotional needs elsewhere. Preferably, outside of this digital space."
The "Let Me Google That For You" Approach: Provide links and sources that directly contradict their claims. This is like serving them a plate of vegetables. They'll ignore it and demand cake (i.e. more outrage).
-- Management notes: "Management has observed that this approach often escalates the situation. Please refrain from using logic and facts, as they are known to irritate trolls."
Chapter 3: The Evolutionary Cycle - From Troll to Chew Toy
-- (And Management's Inevitable Resignation)
Phase 1: The Initial Nibble: You respond. The troll is energized. They've tasted the sweet nectar of your attention.
-- Management notes: "We've noticed an uptick in engagement... Please remember that engagement is not always a positive metric."
Phase 2: The Feeding Frenzy. You engage in a full-blown argument. The troll is now a fully operational chaos machine.
-- Management notes: "This thread has been flagged for 'excessive negativity.' Please remember that 'community harmony' is a core value, or whatever."
Phase 3: The Chew Toy Status: You’ve crossed the line. The troll is no longer a troll. It is now your personal, digital chew toy. They will now only respond to you, and your every word will be a source of entertainment. You are now the source of their dopamine. Congratulation, you played yourself.
-- Management notes: "Congratulations. You have created a dependent. Management is aware of the situation and will, as per usual, do nothing. We are hoping that either you or the troll will get bored and leave. Or, that the troll will do something so spectacularly awful that it will justify a ban. We are betting on the later."
Chapter 4: When to Say "Uncle" (or "Aunt, or Non-Binary Relative")
-- (And When Management Might Actually Notice)
When you start composing responses in your sleep.
When you find yourself arguing with a toaster.
When you realize you've spent more time arguing with a troll than talking to your loved ones.
When your blood pressure exceeds the national debt.
When the troll starts sending you unsolicited cat pictures.
-- (Management might consider this “off topic” and issue a warning)
When the troll starts to write a post about you.
-- (Management if they see it will consider this a "call out", and nuke it from high orbit.)
-- Management notes: "Please refer to the company's 'Emotional Distress Protocol,' which involves deep breathing exercises and ignoring the problem. We are not responsible for any personal distress caused by trolls."
Conclusion:
Remember, feeding trolls is a dangerous game, especially when "The Management" is silently judging your every move. They prefer you ignore them, hoping they'll either wander off or implode in a glorious, ban-worthy spectacle. Your entertainment is not their priority, the illusion of a peaceful digital space is. So, proceed with extreme caution, or preferably, just log off and touch some grass. While "The Management" watches, and does nothing.
=== Crafted with the digital wit, and assistance, of a silicon scribe. -- Gemini
Reads as if Mad Magazine was a part of your life. Good stuff!!! A bit of Dave Barry as well. He still around? You need a daily column. Maybe a weekly at first.
You have more to offer than Troll Trolling. A sense of humor and that Mad Way of Presenting your ideas. Need more material. I know you got more. A Column. You want a Column. Be best part of The Paper. Carp Dieme.
