Tipsheet still chuckles at the memory of Jeff Weaver’s news conference in Seattle, after Scott Boras duped Mariners general manager Bill Bavasi into signing the ragged ex-Cardinal.

Bavasi actually appeared smug about his acquisition. Of course, we all knew that Weaver would blow up – and he did, becoming just one of many terrible Bavasi acquisitions.

Now Bavasi is unemployed. He got the axe two weeks after ordering his team to sit by their lockers, like so many kids in “time out,” after another dispiriting loss. (That gave reporters a rare chance to talk to some of these saps.)

“What I did was stupid,” Bavasi told the Associated Press. “The goal was to have them for once be in the same place at the same time after a game, after they had played real poorly. Sometimes you lose and sometimes you get beat, there is a difference, and we have lost too many games.”

And, oh yeah, the Mariners have a $117 million payroll this year to go with their 24-45 record. Manager John McLaren figures to be the next man overboard.

“I see people that are underperforming for no good reason. I don’t have a good reason for that,” Bavasi said. “They should be able to perform better and I think they have to take it upon themselves. I don’t think they can look to a manager to a coach to lead them out of this. Their ultimate rescue is going to be themselves.”

Yeah, well, let us know how that works out.

MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE

Questions to ponder while Yadier Molina’s head clears:

• Had Adam Wainwright not frozen Carlos Beltran with that epic NLCS curveball, would Willie Randolph still be managing the New York Mets?
• How do Duke fans feel about Tyler Hansbrough, Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington and Danny Green all opting out of the NBA Draft to remain Tar Heels?

Would Ken Griffey Jr. really waive his no-trade clause to join the Tampa Bay Rays? How cool would that be?

THAT’S JUST MEAN

ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel had this take on the NBA Finals: “I can’t wait to find out who the NBA decided to win this thing. . . . I heard they shot multiple endings.”

CHRIS BOSH, COMEDIAN

If you haven’t caught his bit with Jay Leno, here is a sample:

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QUIPS ‘R US

Here is what some of America’s leading sports pundits have been writing:

Mike Downey, Chicago Tribune: “Apollo beat Rocky. OK, so that was a Sylvester Stallone story. That was boxing, not golf. But that’s what it felt like here Monday—the champ, Tiger Woods, hanging on to beat an outclassed but all-heart challenger, Rocco Mediate, who had him on the ropes and took him the distance. Yo, Rocco, you almost did it.”

Mike Lupica, New York Daily News: “Maybe Pau Gasol would have really and truly been the steal of the century if he actually guarded somebody.”

Dan Daly, Washington Times: “Did you see Michael Beasley measured 6-foot-7 at a pre-NBA draft camp – not 6-10, as he was listed at Kansas State? That’s like finding out at the NFL combine that Ed ‘Too Tall’ Jones is really Ed ‘Sorta Tall’ Jones.”

Greg Cote, Miami Herald: “Here’s how big Kimbo Slice is getting. I heard his ratty beard now has its own agent.”

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle, on NBA officiating: “One game, Kobe Bryant can’t get a call. The next game, he is awarded two free throws when the national anthem singer hits a bad note.”

David Thomas, Fort Worth Star-Telegram: “If so many people are memorializing Jim McKay as the type of sports broadcaster everyone should aspire to be, then why does it seem everyone is trying to become Chris Berman?”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com: “Unlike golf, another time-sucking sport that appeals to a specific audience, tennis lacks a Tiger to keep it relevant. When tennis develops its own version of Tiger—first Pete Sampras, then Roger Federer—the guys do almost more damage than good. We see the best tennis stars as the Ping-Pong player at a family gathering who destroys all the uncles and cousins, and eventually kills everyone’s interest in playing Ping-Pong for the day. Golf is a sport that hinges on luck and timing, streaks and slumps, and the quirks of different courses. So it’s almost inconceivable for a golfer to dominate as Tiger has. But for Federer to dominate, it’s completely conceivable. And boring.”

MEGAPHONE

“I remember going to the party, but I don’t remember coming home.”

Red Wings forward Pavel Datsyuk, on his team’s Stanley Cup celebration.